Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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