What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
