In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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