I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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