Princesses don't give blow jobs
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
