I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
