They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
