I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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