We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
