we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be right there i have to get my cape
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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