dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
