She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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