he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm like, not good at living.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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