he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
