I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
