Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
