at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
