You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
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I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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