She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
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someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
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I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.