Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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