I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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