You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
