When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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