i would punch a child for taco bell
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
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Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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