$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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