Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
