How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
