I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
