I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
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at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
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Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize