"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
