mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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