Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
