My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
