woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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