New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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