SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You left your phone here
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