I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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