Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That was an excessively violent trivia night
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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