Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
