So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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