I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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