I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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