No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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