allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The best revenge is premature balding
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
