Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
