Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
