I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
