I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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