i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
