I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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