Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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