My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
