First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
