no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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