I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
