I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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