I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
