I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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