you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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